Advice to Young Women

Dear Young Women (and some women old enough to know better),

Please consider this your official, unsolicited advice from your Auntie Carol.  I'm afraid you are making a fool out of yourselves and generally screwing up your lives before you even get started.

First, while it may be true that girls like the bad boy, and while you are young you may need to have your heart stomped by said bad boy, but don't go into it thinking you are going to be the woman to turn him around.  You won't.  If he has three other children by three other women and he's not supporting them, he won't support yours, so don't go extending that gene pool.  Once you have your fling with the bad boy, grow the hell up.  Chalk it up to something you had to do, admit it was fun for a while, but then realize it was the proverbial learning experience that will allow you to one day truely appreciate the nice boy.  You may not think the nice boy is exciting, but you know what is exciting?  Not having to worry everytime your husband is out of your sight that he's cheating on you.  It's exciting to have electricity, a place to live, a car that will get you from point a to point b, and not worrying where your baby will get formula and diapers.  Nice boys make sure all that stuff is taken care of, bad boys don't give a shit.  If you keep dating bad boys, you will continously get your heart stomped on and eventually you will start saying things like "All men are dogs,"  Well, guess what, they aren't, but you are the type of woman that will eventually give birth to another bad boy because he sees his mother getting treated like crap and will learn to treat girls like crap.  

Second, you don't have to try so hard to attract attention from men.  You don't have to dress like a tramp, talk louder and drink more than anyone else to get a man to notice you.  They will notice you, no doubt, but not the way you hope.  They will give you a temporary glance, make a snide comment about you to their friends and then actually have a conversation with someone not acting like a caricature of what a teenage boy may think is exciting.  You know, someone actually interesting.  If you want to attract the right kind of attention try this:

1. Don't take yourself to seriously.  Stop sweating the small stuff like you have a zit, or your butt is a little big.  No one thinks it's nearly as important as you do.

2. Stop saying men are only after one thing if that's the only thing you ever show them.  Develope an interest.  Talk about what you like even if he doesn't give a shit about it.  If you do, he will like that YOU like it.

3. Stop announcing every five minutes "I don't need a man to take care of me!  I can do it all myself".  Guess what?  No one is convinced you really think that or you wouldn't need to say it all the time, and you are just as bad as the chick that starts making wedding plans after the first date...crazy town!

4. You aren't cute or badass if you get so drunk you puke all over yourself all the time.  You are a girl, your metabolism does not allow you to outdrink the boys with all things being equal.  If you can, it means you have a problem and should start courting a 12 step program instead of a man.

5.  Enjoy being single for a while.  You should have a minute to catch your breath between relationships.  And don't go telling every man you date you love them...you don't.  Love is a lot like the flu....if you aren't sure if you've ever had it, then you haven't.  Be on your own and learn who you are before you go giving yourself to someone else.

6. Speaking of giving yourself away...don't give so much of yourself to any and everyone that shows you the least bit of attention.  Think a little more of yourself then that.  You may be someone's mother one day, act like a person your future children can be proud of.  That's not me telling you to be a prude, but make sure it's for the right reason.  

7.  Most importantly, you will never "obligate" someone to love you.  No matter what you do for them, how good of a person you are to them, how much money you give them while they sit on their ass collecting dust and how many times you forgive them for cheating or beating you or going to jail, it won't be enough to make them love you.  Real love isn't that difficult.  Real love doesn't give you a black eye no matter what you do.  Real love doesn't run around.  

And lastly, stop being that chick that complains about everything.  Once in a while, it's ok to just stop and appreciate the small things.  Stop being a miserable sack of shit and enjoy being young.  You don't get a do-over.

Aunt Carol

The REAL "How to prepare for baby" Post

So, I read a lot of posts from soon to be first time mother's who are all asking the same question: "What should I do to prepare for baby?", and I'm growing weary of the same ole, "Pack extra sanitary napkins, at least two coming home outfits, extra batteries for the camera" bull. Not that those aren't excellent suggestions, but hey...they are sort of obvious, and I think the question people really want to ask is about all that stuff people don't tell you about. And honey, some preparations you can't fit in your overnight bag.
1. Take something to put your hair up in. If you have a C-section, you won't feel like moving much less getting mirror time to fix your hair. You know all that hair that sprung up while you were taking your prenatal vitamins and made you look like the pantene girl? Yeah, it's gonna fall out in a matter of days and what you are left with is a big, stringy, mess that will make you look more like a poster child for the dangers of meth addiction.
2. Sleep now. You will not sleep again for another 6-10 years, and maybe not even then. I know it's hard to get sleep when it takes you 10 minutes to roll out of the bed, 10 minutes to make it to a bathroom that's only 4 feet away because you move as fast as (and are probably the size of) some icebergs, then another 10 minutes to get back to the bed, 10 minutes to assemble the 9 pillows it takes to get comfortable anymore, and then have to do it all over again at least 12 times a night. I recommend putting a recliner in the bathroom if you have the room, it'll save a lot of time.
3. Leave your pride at the door. That is if you have any left after the weekly vaginal exams you have been going through. Once you check in, you will soon realize that the nurses are supplementing their income by selling tickets to your vagina and everyone gets to come in and take a look (sometimes a feel) to "just see how you are progressing", and they don't really care if that person standing at the foot of your bed is your husband or just some poor schmuck who needed directions to the vending machine.
4. See number 3, because yes, you will poop.
5. You may have a birth plan that you and your husband took months to draft up and format into a spreadsheet so perfect it makes Bill Gates weep, and your OB and Labor Nurse may have looked very intently and studious while you discussed it (complete with optional nods of agreement), but the minute they are out of your sight they are going to look at one another with an "Oh isn't that cute." glance and post your spreadsheet on the employee bulletin board so the night crew can have a good laugh. Hey, if you're lucky, maybe yours will make the Christmas Party "Hall of Fame" list.
6. You may have watched all the birthing videos you could find, and got girly girly weepy at what a beautiful moment it is when the mother gets to see and touch her child for the first time, but those are just the moments they put on the video. Sometimes, when the baby is born, and it's looking like something that popped out of that guys chest on "Alien", all you want is for someone to take it away and clean it up first. That's ok. I speak from personal experience. I was totally looking forward to writing something beautiful about my first thoughts of my child in his baby book, but what I really thought when I saw him was "Gross". Which leads me to:
7. Learn to be a convincing liar now. Despite what Dr. Phil may say to the contrary, sometimes good mother's lie. Santa Claus? Of course he's real. Tooth Fairy? Won't leave you money if you don't brush your teeth. Sex? Of course your father and I were married before we did it. You see where I'm going with this? Write whatever you want in the baby book, no one has to know....
8. If you have a c-section, you will get gas. Go ahead and fart. If you don't you will wish you had.
9. You will have to poop before you can leave the hospital. When that fateful moment comes, you will prefer labor all over again...without drugs. But it must be done. Scream if you want, afterall you are paying good money for this.
10. It's great you want to breastfeed, I fully encourage it, but be warned...that first time the baby latches on will hurt. Actually, that's not true. More like, the first time the baby latches on will feel like a witchdoctor shoving a dozen rusty needles into the nipples of a voodoo doll made in your likeness and I don't know that hurt really conveys that feeling.
11. Nursery photographers get commissions based on how alien like they can make your newborn look in their first photographs. Most photographers drive Mercedes that they bought with their commissions. Don't worry, your baby IS cuter in person.
12. Practice adjusting that car seat as soon as you get it. It's awkward trying to adjust shoulder straps while a nurse is holding your discharge paperwork. Yes, she does think you and your husband are idiots. Yes, she is going to let you take your new bundle of joy home anyway.
13. People will drop by unexpectedly when you come home with the baby. Don't worry about the dirty dishes and the mounds of laundry that you tried to catch up but never got around to. Let them ooohhh and ahhhh over the baby and when they ask "Is there anything I can do to help?" show them where you keep the fabric softner and go take a nap.
14. Those first couple of nights you are home with baby, even if he/she doesn't wake you up for a feeding, you still won't be sleeping. You'll get up 30 times an hour, "just to check". Yes you are psycho, and yes, it's completely normal.
15. The doctor was serious when she said "No sex for 6 weeks" and your husband will find every excuse in the world why a person who had 4 years of medical school, 2 years of residency, and 15 years worth of practice, doesn't know nearly as much as his penis. Stand strong. You just pushed something out down there, and you don't want to think of anything going back in. It's ok if after your follow up the doctor gives you the go ahead to resume sex, to tell your husband she said "Two more weeks honey, sorry". If he doesn't want to accept that answer, kick him in the nuts and ask him if he's still turned on. If he is, kick him again. If he's still turned on, give him 50 bucks and send him to the red light district...he's a freak, go take a nap.
So there you have it, those are my top 15 ways to prepare for baby. It ain't pretty, but motherhood rarely is. It is, however, even at it's worst moments, the best thing you will ever do