The REAL "How to prepare for baby" Post

So, I read a lot of posts from soon to be first time mother's who are all asking the same question: "What should I do to prepare for baby?", and I'm growing weary of the same ole, "Pack extra sanitary napkins, at least two coming home outfits, extra batteries for the camera" bull. Not that those aren't excellent suggestions, but hey...they are sort of obvious, and I think the question people really want to ask is about all that stuff people don't tell you about. And honey, some preparations you can't fit in your overnight bag.
1. Take something to put your hair up in. If you have a C-section, you won't feel like moving much less getting mirror time to fix your hair. You know all that hair that sprung up while you were taking your prenatal vitamins and made you look like the pantene girl? Yeah, it's gonna fall out in a matter of days and what you are left with is a big, stringy, mess that will make you look more like a poster child for the dangers of meth addiction.
2. Sleep now. You will not sleep again for another 6-10 years, and maybe not even then. I know it's hard to get sleep when it takes you 10 minutes to roll out of the bed, 10 minutes to make it to a bathroom that's only 4 feet away because you move as fast as (and are probably the size of) some icebergs, then another 10 minutes to get back to the bed, 10 minutes to assemble the 9 pillows it takes to get comfortable anymore, and then have to do it all over again at least 12 times a night. I recommend putting a recliner in the bathroom if you have the room, it'll save a lot of time.
3. Leave your pride at the door. That is if you have any left after the weekly vaginal exams you have been going through. Once you check in, you will soon realize that the nurses are supplementing their income by selling tickets to your vagina and everyone gets to come in and take a look (sometimes a feel) to "just see how you are progressing", and they don't really care if that person standing at the foot of your bed is your husband or just some poor schmuck who needed directions to the vending machine.
4. See number 3, because yes, you will poop.
5. You may have a birth plan that you and your husband took months to draft up and format into a spreadsheet so perfect it makes Bill Gates weep, and your OB and Labor Nurse may have looked very intently and studious while you discussed it (complete with optional nods of agreement), but the minute they are out of your sight they are going to look at one another with an "Oh isn't that cute." glance and post your spreadsheet on the employee bulletin board so the night crew can have a good laugh. Hey, if you're lucky, maybe yours will make the Christmas Party "Hall of Fame" list.
6. You may have watched all the birthing videos you could find, and got girly girly weepy at what a beautiful moment it is when the mother gets to see and touch her child for the first time, but those are just the moments they put on the video. Sometimes, when the baby is born, and it's looking like something that popped out of that guys chest on "Alien", all you want is for someone to take it away and clean it up first. That's ok. I speak from personal experience. I was totally looking forward to writing something beautiful about my first thoughts of my child in his baby book, but what I really thought when I saw him was "Gross". Which leads me to:
7. Learn to be a convincing liar now. Despite what Dr. Phil may say to the contrary, sometimes good mother's lie. Santa Claus? Of course he's real. Tooth Fairy? Won't leave you money if you don't brush your teeth. Sex? Of course your father and I were married before we did it. You see where I'm going with this? Write whatever you want in the baby book, no one has to know....
8. If you have a c-section, you will get gas. Go ahead and fart. If you don't you will wish you had.
9. You will have to poop before you can leave the hospital. When that fateful moment comes, you will prefer labor all over again...without drugs. But it must be done. Scream if you want, afterall you are paying good money for this.
10. It's great you want to breastfeed, I fully encourage it, but be warned...that first time the baby latches on will hurt. Actually, that's not true. More like, the first time the baby latches on will feel like a witchdoctor shoving a dozen rusty needles into the nipples of a voodoo doll made in your likeness and I don't know that hurt really conveys that feeling.
11. Nursery photographers get commissions based on how alien like they can make your newborn look in their first photographs. Most photographers drive Mercedes that they bought with their commissions. Don't worry, your baby IS cuter in person.
12. Practice adjusting that car seat as soon as you get it. It's awkward trying to adjust shoulder straps while a nurse is holding your discharge paperwork. Yes, she does think you and your husband are idiots. Yes, she is going to let you take your new bundle of joy home anyway.
13. People will drop by unexpectedly when you come home with the baby. Don't worry about the dirty dishes and the mounds of laundry that you tried to catch up but never got around to. Let them ooohhh and ahhhh over the baby and when they ask "Is there anything I can do to help?" show them where you keep the fabric softner and go take a nap.
14. Those first couple of nights you are home with baby, even if he/she doesn't wake you up for a feeding, you still won't be sleeping. You'll get up 30 times an hour, "just to check". Yes you are psycho, and yes, it's completely normal.
15. The doctor was serious when she said "No sex for 6 weeks" and your husband will find every excuse in the world why a person who had 4 years of medical school, 2 years of residency, and 15 years worth of practice, doesn't know nearly as much as his penis. Stand strong. You just pushed something out down there, and you don't want to think of anything going back in. It's ok if after your follow up the doctor gives you the go ahead to resume sex, to tell your husband she said "Two more weeks honey, sorry". If he doesn't want to accept that answer, kick him in the nuts and ask him if he's still turned on. If he is, kick him again. If he's still turned on, give him 50 bucks and send him to the red light district...he's a freak, go take a nap.
So there you have it, those are my top 15 ways to prepare for baby. It ain't pretty, but motherhood rarely is. It is, however, even at it's worst moments, the best thing you will ever do