Freakin' Perky Aerobics Instructor People...

The other day I had the most traumatic experience of my short life. I was in the bathroom after taking a shower at the end of a very productive day of cleaning. After drying off, I reached for my robe on the back of the bathroom door when it happened. In a strange twist of misfortune, I had purchased a full length mirror and had it propped in such a way that I saw IT! What is IT, you may wonder? It hurts to even think about it, much less write it...but...it was the sight of my naked ass in all it's pasty-I'm-a-natural-redhead-whiter-shade-of-paleness glory. It was then I learned that while gravity may have been kind to the front of me, there were areas I can't see unless something has gone horribly wrong, that had paid the price, and was slowly creeping down the backs of my thighs.

That couldn't be my ass, I thought. But yet there it was. I knew in that moment what parents of ugly babies must feel - it ain't pretty, but it's mine so I guess I have to live with it. But unlike an ugly baby, I couldn't exactly put a flowery headband around my cheeks and hope people wouldn't notice. It doesn't surprise me none of my friends told me, I mean who wants to tell someone their baby is ugly. There is just no good way to take such a statement.

I decided there was only one thing to do about it, (well two things actually, but tossing back a few glasses of wine to dull the shock didn't really help the situation) I had to get back in shape. This wouldn't be that hard, after all, I did use to be a gym rat before marriage and children. That would soon seem like a lifetime ago.

I contemplated dusting off the treadmill, but I would have meant moving an entire wardrobe of clothes to get to it. My treadmill had become the most effective, and expensive, coat rack in the entire house. I decided instead to take advantage of my new cable subscription and choose something from an on demand site specializing in fitness video.

I scanned through the options and saw something that caught my eye - a striptease workout. I queued up the video and while I waited, I realized I was looking a lot like a performance art piece representing latex sausage. Oh well, I thought, I can't think about that now. I liked that the women in the video were different ages and body types (though none of them looked like latex sausage) and seemed perky and energetic. These seemed like women I would probably have coffee with and that put me at ease. I went through the first couple of moves fine, even though it was mainly stretching exercises. Soon I began working up a sweat. Though I had some trouble keeping up, I was doing ok. I was feeling pretty good about it, and then the perky instructor said "Ok, now for the warm up." WTF? What had we BEEN doing? She then demonstrated this one move with her hips and when I tried to follow, I heard a gunshot. Turns out the gunshot was my hip joint popping. Yeah, that felt good. I tried again, to another chorus of pops from my other hip and left knee simultaneously. I was a one woman 21 gun salute, latex sausage performance art piece, and it wasn't getting any better. I managed one move to every 4 of her's, but I refused to give up. Even when my left lung escaped my chest and slapped me, I soldiered on.

"Great warm up, now for the workout," she said, still perky. WTF? That was just the warm up? It was then I realized that if I did have coffee with any of these women, I would probably impale all of them with those skinny straws after they ordered their fat-free, half-caf soy lattes. No, I thought, still gyrating around my living room, these were NOT my coffee people. These were freaks of nature that didn't need oxygen to breath. As heavy as I was breathing, I scarcely doubted I had left much oxygen for anyone to breath. "Four more!" Perky Aerobics instructor was about to get on my last nerve when my calf cramped and I decided to sit the rest of the dance out.

I sat on the sofa, feeling defeated. My ass was melting down my leg faster than the Arctic ice cap, I was looking like a latex sausage, and my dreams of surprising my husband with my "moves" were fluttering out the window with each gasp of air. The more I watched the video, the more I got annoyed by the perky striptease instructor. I really wanted her to die, and I'm usually not a violent person.

I felt better after the cramp in my calf went away and I had a bit of ice cream. I haven't given up on the fitness goals, but I think maybe strip-aerobics weren't the best decision on the day I saw my butt for the first time in 20 years. Tomorrow, Pilates!