"Don't use a nutcracker on your PeePee", and other things you thought you'd never say.

I'm the mother of a two year old, and because of that, I frequently find myself saying things I could never have imagined saying 10 years ago.

My son has had the marvelous fortune of figuring out what he wants to be at this very early age. Some people wait their entire lives and still never figure out what they want to be when they grow up, but not my boy. No, he has realized his life's ambition is to be a nudist. Frequently, (all the time), he will peel off his clothes and just run around the house. Sometimes I try and convince him to put on some clothes, just in case company should drop by, but that rarely works, and well, I'm tired - really tired - so I just let him be a little nature boy. I've even coined a nick name for him "Nakeyboy". On more than one occasion, I have awoken to my son announcing "Me Nakeyboy Mama" before smacking me in the face with the night before's pullup. The positive side of that is it guarantees I will get at least one shower every day, because when you get smacked in the face with a pull up the first thing you want to do is go take a very very hot shower. The negative side is, well, you get smacked in the face with a pull up, and that's never good. So one thing I could never imagine saying before I was a mother: "Don't smack me in the face with a used diaper!"

Just yesterday, my son channelling his inner NakeyBoy, came into the kitchen and fiddled around in the utensil drawer. He likes playing with spoons and such when I'm cooking so I didn't think much about it until I walked in the living room where he sat watching Dora the Explora, and discovered that it was a nutcracker he had stolen from the kitchen drawer. "Don't use the nutcracker on your peepee!" Yes, there are some hard lessons we all have to learn, but it is maternal instinct to try and dissuade one's child from learning the more painful ones. Unfortunately, I was only a second too late as my son learned this lesson first hand just as I was yelling for him not to. The worst part of it is the look he gave me. It just screamed "Mom, why didn't you tell me it wasn't a good idea to use a nutcracker on my peepee???". All I could manage was "I tried to tell you!"

Sometimes, when I am trying to give my son these little pearls of wisdom, I try to imagine what my neighbors think if they hear me. I wonder if they get some sort of mental image when they hear things like "Sam don't spray windex in the electrical socket!" I also hope, make that pray, that they remember what it's like raising a toddler, and I don't have to worry about children's services showing up on my doorstep while my son is running around naked and wielding a nutcracker.